


Second Chances

by ellebeedarling



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, M/M, MEBB2017, background/past male shepard/miranda lawson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-12-14 07:42:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11778525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellebeedarling/pseuds/ellebeedarling
Summary: Life has been a series of mistakes and missed chances for Kaidan and Shepard. When he receives an invitation to the Savior of the Galaxy's wedding, Kaidan thinks they've run out of chances for good.**This story has now been translated into Russian by the incrediblesuoh_mikoto!I'm so excited about that! Check it outhere!





	Second Chances

_**Artwork by[ HeavenOnFire](http://gratuacuun.tumblr.com/)** _

 

The memory of those magnificent blue eyes would haunt him for the rest of his life. The way they'd gazed at him so full of light and affection the one time he and Shepard had made love was burned into his mind's eye, taunting him with thoughts of what could have been. After a decade spent pining for a girl who’d thought he was a monster, all it had taken was one look from those crystal eyes of Shepard's to make Kaidan ask the question – _Rahna who?_

 

John Shepard, navy brat, Akuze survivor, first human Spectre – Savior of the Galaxy. Shepard had come a long way to get to this point. He'd fought so hard. Died twice. Spent years in recovery and therapy just to have this chance. Kaidan hated himself for begrudging Shepard anything, but as he stared at the invitation in his hand, his gut clenched. He was sure he'd be sick.

 

_Miranda Lawson_

_and_

_John Shepard_

_request the honor of your presence..._

 

The rest blurred out of focus as the tears welled within his eyes. He'd missed his chance.

 

**

 

The booze was a bad idea. Or it was a good one. He couldn't be sure which at this point. Self reflection tasted less bitter with a mouthful of whiskey to wash it down, but the whiskey made him do stupid things.

 

Kaidan glanced with loathing at the man asleep beside him. The name escaped him at the moment, but his eyes were the wrong shade of blue, his muscles hopelessly undefined, and he could never hope to do that _thing_ that Shepard had done to make his toes curl and his body arch toward heaven. Ho hum was probably the best descriptor for the man snoring obnoxiously loud beside him.

 

He should have had more whiskey. Then maybe he'd have either passed out before this happened, or he'd have no memory of the previous night. The man's sloppy attempts at sex had left him feeling mostly unsatisfied, but he'd managed to get off, calling out the wrong name, then trying his best to placate the man whose name he still couldn't remember.

 

Strike that, he was never drinking whiskey again.

 

Careful was the name of the game in situations like this. Not that he was an expert by any means. Sex wasn't something to be taken lightly. Not typically, at any rate. But when the love of your life invites you to his wedding... to someone else... well, desperate times, and all that. As slowly as he could, he removed himself from beneath the man's sweaty arm and grabbed his clothes, shoving his legs into his pants as he darted out the door.

 

It was like a scene from one of those movies - the gigolo fleeing the stage before their lover awoke to find them gone. He was pulling his shirt on and trying to stuff his feet into his boots as he half-hopped, half-stumbled into the elevator, an elderly couple scowling at him the entire way. He reeked of booze and sex, but kept his chin up, refusing to be cowed by the snobbish pair.

 

The fresh air of the street was a welcome relief. The sunshine stabbing into his eyeballs was not. A migraine was already blooming behind his eyes, and if he didn't get out of this sun, get some food into him, and wash away the shame and regret of the previous night with some scalding water, he was going to be in trouble. He quickly found a coffee shop that boasted the strongest coffee in Vancouver, and also made a decent blueberry muffin. He inhaled the bread and melted the skin off the roof of his mouth with the coffee, and as soon as he walked through the door to his apartment, he shed his clothes, depositing them directly into the machine and stepped into the shower, standing under the blistering spray until his skin was a raw, angry red.

 

It didn't help.

 

Booze, sex, food, coffee, shower – he still felt like shit. Shepard was still marrying _Miranda._ Kaidan slid to the floor of his tub, letting the water pelt his head. How could he have been so stupid?

 

**

 

_It seemed like ages ago – and in some ways it had been – since they'd spent the night together before Ilos. It had all been so perfect, and Kaidan had been so in love. He'd been sure nothing could ever come between them. But then Alchera and the Collectors and Cerberus and Horizon and Mars, and by the time they stood face to face on the Citadel during the coup, guns drawn on each other, Kaidan had somehow known. In his heart he'd hoped they could move past it, but there had been too many harsh words on his part, too much doubt. In that moment, as he'd stared down the barrel of Shepard's pistol, he'd known things would never be the same between them._

 

_And when he'd gone to Shepard with his tail tucked between his legs, asking forgiveness and a second chance on the Normandy, Shepard had told him no. For weeks Kaidan was furious, but after talking with both Liara and Garrus, he'd come to realize that it hadn't been because Shepard didn't want him, but because he was tired of being hurt by the man he loved._

 

_Kaidan had thrown himself into his work with Hackett in order to mask the heartache. He'd made a name for himself during the war. Shepard was the hero of the day, but Kaidan had still rated a promotion and a Star of Terra out of the deal. After the Crucible had fired and the Normandy had been lost for a year before finally managing to limp home, Kaidan had considered himself fairly lucky, all in all, thankful he hadn't been on the stranded ship._

 

_The first thing he'd done once he was planetside again, was to find his mother, alive and well and safe at the orchard. The second was to hold a memorial for his father, who'd never been found, alive or dead. Kaidan knew what that meant, and couldn't bring himself to think of his father as a mindless husk, murdering innocents. So he'd locked the thought away. It would never see the light of day again, and he and his mother had done their mourning and started rebuilding a life._

 

_All Alliance personnel were ordered to assist with reconstruction efforts in whichever manner they saw fit. Kaidan had reported to Hackett on a weekly basis as he and his mother had worked tirelessly to move survivors from the rubble of Vancouver and into the more rural areas that hadn't been affected so direly by the war. It would eventually take them years to rebuild the old city into something of a trade center, though Kaidan doubted it would ever rival what it had been before._

 

_Sometime in the weeks following the Battle of London – so named by the Galactic Council – the media reported that Commander Shepard's body had been recovered from the rubble. He was alive, if barely, and his prognosis looked grim._

 

_Kaidan had left his mother in Vancouver and traveled to London to see the man for himself. The trip had taken weeks, reminiscent of days when travel took place by steamer or stagecoach, and by the time he'd gotten to the field hospital, Shepard was awake and slowly recovering. They'd talked, though it had been painful. The conversation had left Kaidan feeling hollow inside, and there was something broken inside those blue eyes he loved. Shepard was wrestling with demons Kaidan couldn't begin to understand because he hadn't been there when the love of his life had needed him most._

 

_Between the physical trauma and the PTSD, Shepard needed constant monitoring. Kaidan had stayed for a week, glued to the man's side, but so much had changed between them. There was still too much anger and bitterness. Mostly it was directed at Kaidan from Shepard's lips, but Kaidan tried to understand. They hadn't parted on the best of terms. Shepard's mind had been damaged, possibly to the point of no return, and there was simply nothing Kaidan could do to help the man. So he'd left. Left Shepard there confused and in pain, and he'd trudged back to Vancouver to attempt a shot at a life._

 

_That had been a somewhat dismal failure._

 

_The years had been an endless string of short-lived relationships and channeling all his energy into working his ass off. He'd received another promotion. Was well respected in his career and as a man. But it was a lonely life. One devoid of true joy and happiness._

 

_At some point, he had heard through the grapevine that Shepard was slowly getting better. Garrus even said the hero had asked for Kaidan specifically on more than one occasion, but Kaidan chickened out, too ashamed to face the man he loved, the man he'd hurt so profoundly. And so he let it go, let it fester, and now..._

 

_They'd run in similar circles after that. It had taken more than a year for Shepard to be physically able to resume even light work, but as soon as he was able, he'd been promoted and moved to Vancouver to serve at Alliance HQ. The building was slowly being rebuilt, but the manpower was there. They'd see it through, and in the meantime, they'd work from whatever rock piled hovel they could find._

 

_Kaidan managed to mostly avoid Shepard once he was in Vancouver. They'd see each other occasionally at a coffee shop or meeting, and Shepard would always try to corner him. But Kaidan had become adept at putting the man off, deliberately ignoring the sorrow in eyes blue as the sky on a cloudless day. He could never lay his finger on just what bothered him. Maybe it was the way Shepard's brows drew down into a frown or the way his eyes turned from sorrowful to hard and unforgiving in an instant. Either way, Kaidan never tried to repair the damage, just kept unwittingly piling more on._

 

_It wasn't until a year ago that Kaidan started to actually become concerned. He should have known that he couldn't keep avoiding and ignoring Shepard like he had for the last decade and expect things to turn out fine and dandy. To mark the tenth anniversary of the death of the reapers, the Alliance had thrown a hell of a party. Shepard was there, of course he was. He was looking handsome as ever in his dress blues, now with admiral's bars on the shoulders. Despite the strain of the war and the injuries and recovery that followed, Shepard still looked amazing – tall and broad shouldered, blue eyes glimmering like tropical waters, strong, sure smile. Only, now that smile was directed at the gorgeous brunette hanging off his arm._

 

_Kaidan had heard of Miranda Lawson before, but never actually met her. She was simply stunning, and the pair of them made the most beautiful couple. They turned heads everywhere they went that night as they danced and schmoozed at the gala. And Kaidan swore that Shepard was doing it on purpose. Maybe he wasn't, but it damn sure felt that way. Every time he caught Shepard's eye, the man would turn to his date, murmur something that made her laugh, then kiss her sweetly on the lips. His arm stayed firmly ensconced around her waist the entire night, only letting go to shake hands with someone. The two of them were glued together at the hip, neither willing to let the other more than an arm's reach away._

 

_Jealous was a big understatement. Jealous was a feeling Kaidan had felt before and learned to conquer. This feeling was an invader on par with the reapers themselves. He made himself miserable watching the couple work the room. They were magnificent. Every eye in the house was on them, but they only had eyes for each other. At one point, John made his way to Kaidan, holding firmly to Miranda's waist the whole way, and introduced them to one another. There was still something in Shepard's tone of voice and the reflection in his eyes that made Kaidan take notice, but when he didn't say anything other than, “Nice to meet you,” Shepard didn't say more either. And then it was over. Shepard was absorbed in the perfect woman. Kaidan was absorbed in the perfect glass of scotch – or five. And all he could do was watch with a gnawing sensation in the pit of his gut as Shepard heaped all his love and attention on a former Cerberus operative in a skin tight red dress. So what if she did have huge tits. Tits weren't everything. Kaidan's mind chided him, but he huffed at himself in response. He was a grown ass man, and if he felt like being petty, then he'd damn well be petty._

 

_Still, all through the night, as he watched the couple, there was a sadness about Shepard that gave Kaidan a despicable, selfish glimmer of hope. And once or twice when those blue eyes met his, the sorrow doubled, but always, Shepard looked away from him and to the woman standing by his side as if she could make all the pain go away. And maybe she could. She was the one who had his back now. There had to be a reason for that other than supermodel good looks, tits and an ass to die for. Shepard wasn't so shallow as to fall for a woman just because she was beautiful, was he?_

 

_But Miranda was intelligent as well. She'd been the head of the team that had rebuilt Shepard's dead body, after all. Did no one else find that creepy? No? Just him? Well, it was damn well creepy. And she had the poise and manners to dazzle anyone she spoke to. She really seemed the perfect woman._

 

_All night, Kaidan tortured himself by watching the couple, but when he'd seen John finally slip a hand from the woman's waist to squeeze her ass, lean in and whisper something in her ear that earned him a blush and a coy smile, then stumble, giggling, into a waiting car, that had been the last straw. He was furious with Shepard all over again. Jealous of something he wasn't getting, namely the love and devotion of John Shepard, he'd used it as an excuse to avoid the man further._

 

**

 

The memories had tasted better with the whiskey, but the whiskey was what had led him to this point to begin with – sitting in the bottom of his tub with icy water beating down on his head, and the mother of all migraines shooting through his skull. Forcing himself to his knees, he batted at the controls until the water stopped, then slithered out of the tub and crawled into his bed, burying his face into his pillow and passing out cold.

 

It was daylight when Kaidan awoke again, and he wasn't sure if it was later the same day or the next. Frankly, he didn't care enough to find out. His head still hurt, but it was more the hangover variety than the migraine, and he decided to look at the clock to see if he could order some food. Eighteen hundred hours. More than twenty four after he'd scrambled out of No Name's bed and wound up at home with a migraine. A few quick taps on his omni-tool later, and his favorite Chinese takeout was on its way. He had just enough time to pop a couple aspirin and hit the shower again before the food arrived.

 

He was on his third egg roll when the door buzzed. Kaidan panicked. He hadn't told that jackass from the other night where he lived, had he? Please god, don't let him have been that drunk! Steeling his nerves and wiping his mouth, Kaidan answered the door, and his jaw dropped.

 

“Hello, Kaidan.”

 

John Shepard stood in his doorway, dripping water all over the mat at his feet. Kaidan hadn't even realized it was raining. Then it occurred to him he was worrying about the weather, while Shepard stood on his doorstep. “Shepard?” He didn't mean to sound so astonished, but... It had been years since they'd really spoken. How the hell did Shepard even know where to find him?

 

“Can I come in?”

 

_Oh yeah! Shit!_ “Of course! Yeah... come on in.” He moved to the side and Shepard stepped into his apartment, and Kaidan was suddenly painfully aware that he'd been out of commission for more than twenty four hours. The sink was full of dirty dishes. The clothes from his drunken night a few days ago were half hanging out of the machine in the hall, half piled up beside it. There were take out containers and just a general mess everywhere.

 

Shepard took it all in, the way Shepard always did, noticing every detail and filing it away. Probably to use as ammunition against him at some point. Kaidan felt a spike of anger, but tried to repress it. “I, uh...” he fumbled for something to say, but finally just blurted, “What the hell are you doing here, Shepard?”

 

Shepard looked surprised, like he hadn't expected Kaidan to be upset to see him. And he shouldn't have. Kaidan shouldn't be upset, but at the moment his predicament was pretty much all Shepard's fault.

 

Okay, that was hardly fair. It wasn't as though Kaidan had given him any reason not to move on with his life. He sighed, “I'm sorry, Shepard. Please... come in and sit down.” Kaidan kicked a pile of stuff off the end of the couch and into the floor before grabbing his plate of food and carrying it to the kitchen. “Want a beer?”

 

“Sure,” Shepard called after him. “Thanks.”

 

The brown-eyed man passed him the bottle and sat on the opposite end of the couch, watching with interest as Shepard opened it and took a swig, nodding his appreciation for the beverage. “I didn't mean to interrupt your dinner,” Shepard said, looking out the window. Kaidan's view was of a park. A nice park, but still, Shepard and _Miranda_ probably had the perfect view of the English Bay from their perfect apartment where they lived their perfect lives.

 

“It's fine.” Kaidan twiddled his thumbs while he waited, unsure what Shepard expected of him here. They'd worked together for a period of months more than a decade ago, and shared a night of passion, which – although the best of Kaidan's life – was still just one night. Since then, they'd been at each other's throats through all the ups and downs the galaxy had thrown at them. Shepard had finally gotten his victory over the reapers and now had the perfect life and the perfect woman to share it with, so what in the actual hell was the man doing here looking so lost and confused?

 

When Shepard didn't offer to say anything, Kaidan cleared his throat, drawing the man's attention away from the window. Shepard drained his beer bottle and set it on the coffee table in front of him, pocketing the cap. An eyebrow arched at that, but Shepard didn't notice. “I'm sorry to have bothered you,” Shepard said, standing and making for the door.

 

“Why are you here?” Kaidan asked again before the man could get away.

 

Shepard shrugged, then said in a small, sad voice. “I just wanted to see you, Kaidan.”

 

Then he was gone, and Kaidan didn't know what the hell had just happened.

 

_**Artwork by[HeavenOnFire](http://gratuacuun.tumblr.com/)** _

**

 

He worked in the same fucking building as Shepard, and it now occurred to him that he shouldn't have worked so damn hard to avoid the man for the last few years. He didn't even know where Shepard's office was. Not that it was impossible to find out. Of course it was on the top floor, right next to Hackett's own. Kaidan hovered in the hallway, unsure what he was going to say to the man once he was inside, but all weekend his imagination had been running wild. He'd hardly slept or eaten since Shepard had come to his apartment, drank a beer, and left having hardly said two words the entire time.

 

Shepard's aide was a young, eager man in his mid-twenties, and reminded Kaidan so much of Corporal Jenkins that it physically hurt. He wondered how much Shepard thought about those days and how they'd been sure they galaxy was theirs for the taking. What did they know? A bunch of kids playing with guns was all they'd been compared to what they were now. Older, wiser, and a hell of a lot more cynical. He drew a breath and stepped toward the man's desk. “Rear Admiral Kaidan Alenko here to see Admiral Shepard.”

 

The man smiled at Kaidan, young and carefree and full of hope for the future. The kid couldn't have been more than ten or fifteen when the reapers invaded. How in the hell had he come out of it all with such a positive attitude? Kaidan's future had seemed bleak ever since Alchera, when the Normandy had been attacked and Shepard had died, and ever since then, every decision he'd made in regards to Shepard had led from bad to worse. Well, he was determined to correct that now, dammit. Shepard's visit had left him with a spark of hope, and he was finally ready to talk things out with Shepard – like he should have done years ago.

 

“I'm sorry, Rear Admiral, I don't have you scheduled for an appointment today,” the man, Corporal Ellis, informed him with a frown. “If you'd like to schedule-”

 

“Could you please just ask the Admiral if he'd be willing to see me?”

 

Ellis' face shriveled up in disdain, and Kaidan almost laughed at it. It didn't take much to ruffle his optimistic feathers, did it? “Very well, Sir,” he huffed, pressing the button on his desk.

 

“Yes?” Shepard's voice sounded strained, and Kaidan swallowed the nervousness he felt.

 

“I'm sorry to bother you, Sir, but there is a Rear Admiral Alenko here to see you. He doesn't have an appointment,” Ellis added petulantly.

 

There was a long pause, during which Kaidan's heart stopped beating altogether, and Ellis gave him a smug grin. “Send him in,” Shepard said at last, and it was Kaidan's turn to smirk at the young smart ass. Maybe he was nothing like Jenkins after all.

 

Shepard sat behind an enormous mahogany desk, with papers and datapads scattered all over the surface. He was busily tidying up the mess when Kaidan walked in, but he stopped, the hopeful expression on his face quickly replaced by an Admiral's stern stare. “Alenko,” Shepard said, waving a hand at a chair across from his. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

 

Kaidan swallowed and sat, and suddenly he felt like a first year private – dry mouthed, knock-kneed, and groveling for whatever attention his superiors would toss his way. He found himself at a loss for words again, cursing his own stupidity for coming here in the first damned place. What the hell had he been thinking? He and Shepard were never going to be together again. Whatever had brought Shepard to his door the other night had to have been a fluke. Now, here Kaidan was making an ass of himself, staring at Shepard, as Shepard stared right back at him.

 

“Kaidan?” Shepard asked at last, and his voice was soft and full of something that he'd only ever heard described as affection, and it made Kaidan feel weak and pathetic with longing. So much so that he nearly whimpered at the sound.

 

“Why did you come to my apartment?” Kaidan heard himself say, and of all the stupid...

 

Shepard sat up straighter. “This is not the place to have that conversation,” he said, voice taking on a hard edge.

 

“We're long overdue for a serious conversation.”

 

“We are.”

 

“So where would be better?”

 

“Your apartment. Tonight. Eighteen hundred.”

 

“Fine. I'll see you then.”

 

**

 

Shepard was still in his uniform when Kaidan opened the door to let him in, and the older man felt significantly under dressed in his jeans and t-shirt. It was too late to worry about it now, though. Kaidan offered the man a beer, which he declined this time, and they both took a seat on the couch, settling into an awkward silence. Shepard's eyes scanned the room, and Kaidan was glad he'd taken the time to clean it over the weekend. Typically, he was a neat freak, but Shepard had caught him on a bad day last time. And why was he worrying over these trivialities? Who gave a damn what Shepard thought of him now? It wasn't like it mattered in the grand scheme of things. Their time had come and gone, and Shepard had moved on – was engaged to someone else.

 

“So,” Kaidan said, annoyed with Shepard's silence, “are you ready to tell me what's on your mind?”

 

Shepard met his gaze, blue eyes soft as fresh fallen snow. “What happened, Kaidan? To you? …to us?”

 

The question felt like a gut punch, and Kaidan wasn't sure why. “I tried to make things right,” he said defensively, “but you wouldn't let me back on the Normandy. I just...” The words sounded lame even to his own ears, and he watched as Shepard mulled them over and found them distasteful.

 

“At which point, exactly, did you try to make things right?” And all the softness was gone, replaced instead by a cold, harsh voice that sent a chill up Kaidan's spine.

 

“What does it matter now?” He stood and paced to the kitchen, pouring two glasses of whiskey, already forgetting the promises he'd made himself less than a week ago never to touch the vile stuff again. One glass was offered to Shepard, who took it, drained it, and set it on the table in front of him before wandering to the window to gaze out at the park below.

 

“This is a nice place,” he said quietly.

 

Kaidan was going to get whiplash from Shepard's abrupt mood shifts, and the conversation was getting nowhere. He sighed. “Shepard, what's going on?”

 

“Like you said. It doesn't matter now.” Shepard turned to go, but Kaidan grabbed his arm.

 

“Don't do this. Don't walk away now. We've spent too much time walking away from each other. That's what happened. Neither of us fought for it!”

 

“Neither of us fought...” Shepard glanced away in agitation. “You fucking shut me down, Kaidan. You've been avoiding me for more than a decade. I... hell, I don't know what possessed me to reach out to you. You obviously hate me.” He tried to pull himself from Kaidan's grasp, but the older man held tighter.

 

“Is that what you think?”

 

“I loved you, Kaidan,” Shepard said meekly. “I thought what we had was... real. I... I'm sorry I let you down.”

 

Kaidan was too stunned to go after him when he walked out the door. All this time he'd been blaming himself for the way things had played out with Shepard, and John had been just as busy doing the same damned thing. Kaidan should have known. Shepard had always been the sort to bear all the blame. It was just his nature.

 

Sleep eluded him for the third night in a row.

 

**

 

“Why now?” Kaidan bellowed as he burst into Shepard's office the next morning, ignoring Corporal Ellis' warnings.

 

Shepard looked up from his terminal with a startled expression, which he quickly smoothed into one of indifference. “That will be all, Ellis,” he said, voice deep and commanding just as it had always been aboard the Normandy. Once they were alone, he turned to Kaidan, letting his expression relax into one of confusion, “What the hell are you talking about?”

 

“Why are you doing this now? You're engaged to someone else.”

 

His face paled before he looked away from Kaidan, swallowing around a lump in his throat. “I just... had to be sure.”

 

“Had to be sure of what? For fucks sake, would you please complete a damn thought here!”

 

Shepard was around the desk and in his face so fast Kaidan stumbled back a step. “You want to hear my thoughts? Fine, Alenko, I'll tell you. I loved you, you selfish prick! I still love you, though for the life of me I can't understand why. I tried to give you space after Horizon, and that didn't work. I tried to reach out to you on Mars and in the hospital afterwards, and that didn't work. I've kept my distance because being around you without being able to have you hurts too fucking much, and last night you told me that I hadn't fought for you! I've tried for more than a decade to connect with you, to just have one minute alone with you so that I could explain things and try to figure it out, and every time you've run from me. And I'm so goddamned torn right now I don't know what to do. I love you and I hate you in equal measure, and I just want to be able to move on with someone who actually does give a shit about me, and... I can't...” His eyes fell away, breath coming in ragged gasps, before meeting Kaidan's again, desperate and pleading, “I can't, Kaidan. Can't marry Miranda. I don't love her. I... you ruined my fucking life, and sometimes I wish I'd never met you!”

 

Kaidan fell into the nearest chair with a thud, heart hammering a steady rhythm of defeat and despair.

 

“Just... get out,” Shepard said, pointing toward the door. “Don't fucking come back.”

 

**

 

Kaidan lied about being sick so that he could have the rest of the day off. Hackett's face was concerned as he suggested Kaidan head to the infirmary. He brushed it off, however, claiming that some rest was all he needed.

 

“How long has it been since you've had a vacation, Alenko?” Hackett asked him.

 

“Awhile,” Kaidan admitted.

 

“Alright, take the week. Go somewhere warm and tropical. Get some sun and do something to relax a bit, goddammit. You're always so tense and serious.”

 

Kaidan tried to laugh, but it only served to prove Hackett's point. Hell, he'd all but forgotten how to laugh in the time since Shepard had been removed from his life. And now it was permanent. Final. For the briefest moment, Kaidan had thought... had hoped....

 

He left Hackett's office and went straight to his travel agent. It had been years since he'd had a proper vacation, and while he wasn't in the mood for fun, he could at least enjoy the change of scenery. He'd been born in Singapore, but never had the chance to visit as an adult. Why not? What difference did it make where he went?

 

The next week was mostly spent in a drunken haze. There was another inadequate Shepard substitute for him to feel remorse over, but by the end of his time, he'd decided on a plan. The Alliance base here in Singapore needed more staffing, and this way he could distance himself from Shepard. He would miss being so close to his mom, but she would understand. His wanderlust had been leading him far from home since he was a kid. Besides, she could always come visit. Hell, she may want a change of scenery herself. He felt good about his decision as he marched toward Hackett's office.

 

His steps fell short, and he came to an abrupt halt outside the office next door to Hackett's. Shepard's door stood open, revealing a completely empty room beyond. Corporal Ellis' desk was gone, along with the terminals and filing cabinets. Kaidan staggered into the the room and through the inner door to where Shepard's desk sat empty and completely cleaned out. The desk and a leather chair were the only pieces of furniture in the room. Even the dust had been wiped away.

 

“Where is Shepard?” Kaidan blurted to Hackett after he'd entered the old Admiral's office.

 

Hackett barely glanced up at him. “Shepard requested and was granted transfer to Bekenstein. The Alliance outpost there was in need of a commanding officer, since Admiral Hiott is retiring. Shepard will be a good fit. I understand Miranda wanted to wait until after the wedding, but the position is available now, so Shepard took it. He left yesterday afternoon.”

 

Kaidan's heart and head were screaming. He was going to be the one to go. He didn't mean to push Shepard away... again. All their lives had been at cross purposes, and now Shepard was well and truly gone. Systems away. All his thoughts and plans went right out the window as he muttered the appropriate responses to Hackett's questions about his vacation, then walked in a daze back toward his own office.

 

**

 

It was another week before Kaidan got the official announcement that the wedding of the century was called off. Promises that any wedding gifts would be returned to the senders had Kaidan feeling like an ass, because he hadn't even thought of sending the couple a gift.

 

Life went on. Kaidan stayed in Vancouver. Now that there was no one for him to run from, there was no reason for him to leave. His mom was happy that he was hanging around, and there was a certain satisfaction in that despite the fact that the rest of his life left him feeling very _un_ satisfied.

 

He did the normal things. Went to work. Met friends for drinks after work. Did the shopping and cleaned his apartment. Went on the occasional date that did little more than make him long for something he couldn't have. When Garrus Vakarian showed up on his doorstep one day, more than a year after Shepard had left, he invited the turian in, and the pair decided to spend the night on the town boozing it up, reminiscent of their old shore leaves on the Normandy. A pang of longing and regret stabbed at Kaidan's chest, but just like always, he shoved it down and away. No use wishing for things long lost.

 

“You should talk to him, you stubborn ass,” Garrus slurred, head weaving from the effects of the alcohol.

 

“Who?”

 

“Shepard. I know you're the reason he called off the wedding.”

 

“Mind your own damned business for once, Vakarian.” Kaidan pouted down at his drink. What sort of fucked up times were they living in when a _turian_ understood more about love and romance than he did?

 

“He never loved her.”

 

Kaidan sighed. “I know.” He propped his cheek on his fist and swirled the pink liquid in his cup. What the hell was he drinking anyway?

 

“Why have you always been so damned stubborn?”

 

The question seemed rhetorical, so Kaidan didn't bother with an answer. He drained the pink drink and pushed out of his seat, heading for the dance floor. A migraine would serve as his penance tomorrow, but he just wanted something in his life to feel good. Even if just for awhile.

 

A strong hand on his shoulder had him looking up into the turian's drunken eyes. “Stop running, you idiot! Go to Bekenstein and tell him!”

 

“He doesn't want me anymore,” Kaidan shouted over the music. “He told me not to come back.”

 

“He was hurt and didn't mean it. Stop fighting so hard against your own happiness!”

 

“Or what? You'll knock me out and drag me.”

 

Garrus grinned at him as if that was exactly what he was planning to do. Suddenly the world tilted off its axis, and Kaidan felt more woozy than he should have after so few drinks. “What... what's...”

 

**

 

Kaidan didn't know where he was. His head was throbbing painfully, and he felt disoriented.

 

“There's some pain relievers and a bottle of water on the console beside you,” a dual toned voice informed him.

 

“Garrus?” Kaidan glanced around as objects began to take shape. He could barely make out the form of a turian in the pilot's seat beside him.

 

“We'll be at Bekenstein in a few hours,” Garrus informed him, fingers dancing over the controls of his private ship. “I suggest you get some sleep.”

 

“You... drugged me? You kidnapped me?”

 

“Oh, simmer down, Alenko. You're going to be fine. Take the pain relievers and get some sleep. You'll thank me later.”

 

He wanted to protest, but his body wouldn't let him. The throb was reaching critical levels now, so Kaidan took the pain relievers and let himself drift off to sleep. The next thing he knew, the comm tower on Bekenstein was directing them toward a docking bay. “Where am I?” he mumbled, lips sticking together to muffle his words.

 

“We're on Bekenstein. Where Shepard lives. Have you already forgotten?”

 

Kaidan tried to scowl at the turian, but his face wouldn't cooperate.

 

“There's a shower and a fresh change of clothes for you on the starboard side. Get yourself cleaned up and presentable.”

 

“Fuck you! You kidnapped me!”

 

“I'm tired of listening to Shepard mope. I figured it was high time someone made you two knotheads sit down and talk this out like men. You've both been acting like children for the last fifteen years!”

 

“Garrus, goddammit! I don't want to see him or talk to him! Let me off this damned ship so I can catch the next shuttle back to Earth.”

 

“Like hell. You're not going anywhere until you face him. I'll knock you out again if I have to.”

 

“This isn’t any of your fucking business!”

 

“Alenko, you’re just jealous that you didn’t have the balls to do this yourself. It’ll be a hell of a thing to admit that your skills at romance are no match for a turian’s.”

 

Kaidan flipped the turian off. “When did you become such a damned hardass?”

 

“After watching two of my best friends fuck their lives up royally for the last fifteen years,” the turian replied dully. “Honestly, Kaidan, even I could have made things right by now.”

 

“Screw you,” Kaidan muttered. Garrus was right though. At any given time, all it would have taken was a word of apology, or some sort of gesture on his part, to fix things, and he’d let his stubborn pride get in the way of his happiness. Shepard’s happiness, too.

 

Groaning miserably, Kaidan hoisted himself out of the chair and made his way to the head on the starboard side of the ship, grumbling about interfering turians the entire way. Even he had to admit the shower felt good, though, and he was more than a little surprised to find his toiletry kit and a small suitcase full of clothing from his apartment. Garrus had planned this out well, it seemed.

 

Shepard's mouth fell slack when he opened the door to Garrus holding a scowling Kaidan by the scruff of the neck. The turian shoved the biotic inside and said, “Don't bother trying to come out until you idiots have fixed this. I'll be standing guard here, and I have Wrex and Massani covering the other exits. Good luck!” The turian kicked Kaidan's suitcase inside and shut the door, the lock going ominously red as soon as it was closed. Of course the first thing Kaidan tried to do was hack the lock, but it held fast. It wasn't until he gave up on the fifth try that he turned to see Shepard sitting on the couch with his head in his hands, shoulders slumped in resignation.

 

“I don't blame you for wanting to get away so badly,” Shepard said. “There's a guest room at the end of the hall. Make yourself at home. I'll just stay in my room until those stubborn assholes give up.”

 

Kaidan watched as Shepard retreated to the privacy of the master suite, not knowing how he'd ended up in this position. Part of him was furious with Garrus... and Wrex, and whoever the hell this Massani person was, but he was so fucking tired of running from this. He marched after Shepard, fist coming down hard on the man's bedroom door. Shepard had already changed into a pair of navy pajama pants, no shirt, and Kaidan's mouth was instantly dry.

 

“Is there something you need?”

 

He wanted to say, “You,” but he didn't. “We might as well talk this out,” he said instead. “Garrus was willing to drug and kidnap me; I doubt they're above starving us out.”

 

Shepard's vibrant blue eyes went wide before the smallest of grins settled onto his lips. Kaidan's gaze was drawn to them – soft and plump and pink as rose petals. He licked his own lips and forced himself to look into Shepard's eyes.

 

“You didn't have anything to do with this, did you?” That had come out more accusatory than he'd meant, but they might as well start here. If Shepard had had him kidnapped, there was nothing for them to talk about. The way the sapphire eyes narrowed to menacing slits told Kaidan everything he needed to know. The door being slammed shut in his face confirmed it. Shepard had nothing to do with it.

 

Why couldn't Kaidan stop himself from hurting this man every time he opened his stupid mouth? He banged on the door again but received no response, so he slid to the floor, back against the door and waited. Unsure what to do next.

 

By the time Shepard opened the door, Kaidan had fallen asleep against it, and he tumbled inside the room, staring up, wide-eyed as Shepard loomed above him. “I'm hungry,” Shepard stated, stepping over Kaidan's body and heading toward the kitchen. He was still in those damnable pajama pants. Still shirtless. Kaidan stayed where he was, staring up at the ceiling and listening to Shepard bang pots around in the kitchen. He'd just registered that the noise had stopped when Shepard's shadow covered him again, and he looked up to find the man holding a plate out toward him.

 

“Never let it be said I'm not a gracious host,” Shepard said, stepping over Kaidan once more and closing the door in his face again when Kaidan sat up to eat his meal.

 

Three days went by with much more of the same. Kaidan finally retreated to the guest room Shepard had offered him. Neither man showed his face until hunger drove him from his seclusion, and hardly any words passed between them. Both of them tried repeatedly to hack the locked doors of the apartment. Shepard had even gone so far as to try climbing out the window only to be shoved unceremoniously back inside by Wrex's large hand.

 

“Have you fixed it?” the krogan had asked, poking his head in through the window. When the mumbled and petulant answer from both men was, “No,” Wrex had simply stated, “Well, fix it,” shutting the window and blocking the sun with his wide body.

 

After dinner the third night, they ended up at the sink at the same time to dispose of their dirty dishes. Shepard glared at Kaidan before he set to work loading the dishwasher and wiping down the counters. Kaidan offered to sweep. It seemed the least he could do.

 

“I want to go home,” Kaidan complained as Shepard poured them each a cup of coffee, passing Kaidan his across the kitchen bar.

 

“You could always ask Garrus nicely. I'm sure he'd give up if you did.”

 

Kaidan rolled his eyes. “I think we both know better than that.”

 

Shepard actually chuckled, and it felt so good, Kaidan wanted to hear it again. “So, what's the difference between a krogan and Commander Shepard?” Kaidan asked, attempting to at least chip the ice that had been growing thicker between them as the years had passed.

 

“That joke's as old as the hills, Alenko,” Shepard said, rolling his eyes, but he was smiling. Kaidan took that as a small victory. “How do you know when a turian has run out of ammo?”

 

“I have no idea,” Kaidan admitted.

 

“He switches to the stick up his ass as a backup weapon.”

 

They both chuckled at the lame joke, and for the first time in more than a decade, the silence that settled around them was companionable, not ripe with frustration and disappointment. They were both still grinning slightly as they sipped their coffee, and then Kaidan had to go open his big, stupid mouth again. “Why'd you call off your wedding, Shepard?”

 

The man was instantly tense, abruptly dumping out the remainder of his coffee. “I told you why,” he said, avoiding Kaidan's gaze and trying to slip past him. “Good night-”

 

“No,” Kaidan said with a hand on his arm. “If we don't talk this out, our so-called friends are going to leave us in here.”

 

“What is there to talk about? Neither Garrus nor Wrex has the patience to wait for very long. We'll be out of here before you know it, and then you can go back to Vancouver and do whatever the hell you want.”

 

“I want you,” he blurted before Shepard could get away.

 

Shepard didn't meet his eyes, focusing them intently on the floor instead. “Could've fooled me,” he uttered softly. “Kaidan...” Shepard sighed in defeat. “I don't know if I'll ever understand what happened between us, but you've pushed me away at every turn. To be honest, the life I've lived since the war hasn't felt like much of a victory.”

 

“You've also done your share of pushing people away, John,” Kaidan said, getting in his face like Shepard had done to him that last day in Vancouver. “I came to see you after the war, and you had nothing good to say to or about me!”

 

“I was sick then!” Shepard countered. “Fucked in the head. Hell, I don't even remember you coming. I remember asking for you, but you didn't come, Kaidan. Every step of the way, you've fought me. First it was the regs. Then Cerberus. Now... hell, I don't even know what's kept us apart since the war!”

 

“I don't know either,” Kaidan said, utterly defeated. “I just know that I love you, Shepard. I've been in love with you since-”

 

“Don't say it!” Shepard ordered. “Don't you dare fucking say it. How dare you come in here and tell me that all these years you've loved me when you've done nothing but run from me for over a decade? Every time we've seen each other, I've tried to speak to you and you've literally walked away, turned your back on me. You've kept my heart on a fucking string for fifteen years, tugging when you wanted to, then pushing it away again, and I'm fucking sick of it!”

 

Kaidan grabbed him by the shoulders. “Then why haven't you moved on? Why haven't I? Why did you call off your wedding?”

 

“Don't do this to me, Kaidan,” Shepard said through clenched teeth. Anger and bitterness seeped through his pores, nearly palpable.

 

“I'm not letting you go until you tell me.” He tightened his grip, letting his biotic energy flare around them, holding Shepard in place.

 

“Let go of me.” Shepard's eyes were dark with rage, his body tense and rigid.

 

“Tell me.”

 

“You already know why!”

 

“I want to hear you say it again.”

 

“You are the most stubborn goddamned asshole I've ever known.” Shepard's body was trembling now, but whether it was fury or frustration or just his own stubborn determination not to give in, Kaidan couldn't be sure.

 

“Tell me,” Kaidan whispered, letting the biotics fizzle out, and pulling Shepard the smallest bit closer.

 

Shepard's eyes brimmed with tears, and he tried to look away. Kaidan tipped his chin up, forcing their eyes to meet. “Please don't do this to me, Kaidan,” he begged, though the fight had all but ebbed away.

 

Kaidan wrapped his arms around Shepard, pulling him close, gripping the back of his neck with a strong hand. “Say it, John,” he murmured.

 

His body shuddered as he gave a last ditch effort to get away, but Kaidan held him firmly, lips brushing softly against his temple. “Tell me,” Kaidan urged again, and he felt as much as heard Shepard's sob.

 

“I... love you, Kaidan,” his voice barely above a whisper. “I love you, you stubborn fucking bastard!”

 

“I love you too, John.”

 

Shepard's arms went around his back, and he squeezed the older man breathless. “Why? Why did you wait so long to tell me?”

 

“I don't know, John. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry.”

 

Shepard lifted his head and peered into Kaidan's honeyed eyes. The first brush of lips could barely be called a kiss. Soft and gentle and not nearly enough for all the years of waiting and yearning they'd endured. John's mouth was sweet as sugar, and Kaidan wanted – no, needed – more. If Shepard said he loved him, then Kaidan would take the words at face value. They had a lot of time to make up for. Shepard's lips curved into a slow smile, and Kaidan leaned in for a taste of it.

 

The kiss was slow and sweet, encompassing fifteen years of longing, and John let out a pleased sigh when they pulled away, foreheads bumping affectionately. “Kaidan… I… I want this… want you, but I just need some time. There’s been so much hurt and anger on both our parts, I just don’t want to screw things up again.”

 

“Take all the time you need,” Kaidan whispered. “I’m not going anywhere.”

 

“Thank you.” Shepard pecked him on the lips again. “Good night Kaidan.”

 

**

 

They worked on breakfast together the next morning, trying desperately to fall into the easy rhythm of conversation they’d been used to years ago. It wasn’t as easy as either of them had hoped it would be. Still, both of them were determined to put forth the effort. Second chances like this didn’t come around every day.  

 

After showering - separately - they met back in the living room and decided to watch a movie. It was a far cry from the way they’d kept themselves secluded from one another for the last few days. During the course of the vid, they slowly crept together until their fingers were laced between them. It was a start. Kaidan reveled in the thrill of Shepard’s touch, the chill of the man’s fingers a stark contrast to his own warmth. At some point, their lips connected for lazy kisses that dragged on for eternity, and they completely missed the end of the movie. Somehow Kaidan thought he’d survive not knowing how the first hanar Spectre got out of his latest scrape.

 

For two days, they talked and joked and played chess or cards, just trying to pass the time. The spark between them was there as always, but the trust was bruised and needed time to heal. Their eyes met for smoldering glances that sometimes ended in them both looking away and other times ended with them groaning and panting on the couch. One of them always stopped before things went too far, however. They both still felt the need to take this slowly.

 

“Think they’d let us order take out?” Kaidan asked one night after he’d beaten Shepard at chess. They were keeping track of their wins and losses and had remained neck and neck until tonight’s match let Kaidan eek out ahead.

 

“Well, we’re going to run out of food soon if they don’t.” Shepard said, tapping out a message to Garrus on his omni-tool.

 

Kaidan wondered at which point the turian would concede that they’d “fixed it.” He wasn’t sure if Garrus had bugged the apartment or was waiting for them to send him some sort of proof of their reconciliation. Selfishly, he just wanted things to stay like this a little longer. As long as they were being forced to try and right the relationship between them, they were getting along, but he was a little afraid of what would happen when they had to contend with real life and work once more.

 

Garrus took their order and delivered their food to them - spicy curry for Shepard and Pad Thai for Kaidan - grinning when neither man tried to make a break for it. The turian silently thanked the spirits for small miracles.

 

“So, you and Miranda?” Kaidan asked cautiously as they sat at the table enjoying their meal. He didn’t want to ruin the relaxed atmosphere they’d created over the last few days, but it was something that needed to be cleared up before he felt comfortable in moving the relationship forward.

 

Shepard visibly tensed and set his fork on his plate, washing his food down with a swig of beer before sighing and finally meeting Kaidan’s eyes. “She… helped me through a difficult time. We were friends for a long time before anything happened between us. She knew how I felt about you and was content to let things go, but after several years, when it seemed like you and I would never…” His voice trailed away and so did his gaze. Kaidan waited patiently for him to gather his thoughts. Shepard cleared his throat, “I was lonely, and she was willing. It started as just, you know, seeking companionship, and mutual affection grew. I knew I didn’t love her. I think she knew it, too. Proposing seemed like the natural next step, though, and she said yes. Seeing you at the anniversary gala, I… knew I’d never be able to go through with it, but, selfishly, I didn’t want to be alone again. So…. I stayed, until that night I came to your apartment. After the invitations had been sent out, I just felt like I had to see you, to find out if there was any hope for us. Even though things didn’t go as planned between us, I knew I couldn’t keep leading Miri on, so…”

 

He picked up his fork again, pushing the food around on his plate as Kaidan watched him. “I’m sorry.”

 

John shrugged. “She took it surprisingly well. She didn’t try to kill me, at least.” He laughed without humor, and Kaidan felt a spike of pain in his chest. Why had they both remained so stubborn for so long? “But, uh… you never… found anyone?”

 

“I dated some, here and there,” Kaidan confessed. “Nothing really meaningful, though. Not… not like what we had before.”

 

Their eyes met across the table, and Kaidan finally felt like everything would be alright between them, though he wasn’t sure exactly what the next step would be. The conversation moved away from such emotionally charged topics, and they finished their meal in good spirits. Kaidan offered to do the dishes while John showered, and they decided to end the night with another movie.

 

They started out sitting close this time, sides pressed firmly together, Kaidan’s arm around Shepard’s shoulders. It was nice. John’s hand rested on his thigh, drawing small circles, and Kaidan was having a difficult time controlling his body’s reaction to the touch. At some point, he became aware of Shepard breathing heavily near his ear and turned his head to see bright blue eyes peering at him through the dark. A smug little grin preceded Shepard’s lips brushing against his, and Kaidan returned a smile of his own.

 

Kaidan pressed his lips to Shepard's with more intention, and the soft moan he received in response emboldened him. His mouth opened, and Shepard wasted no time invading it with his tongue. Their teeth clacked together as they tried a little too hard, and their mutual chuckles did nothing to lessen the intensity of the kiss. Fingers in his hair pulled Kaidan deeper, and they panted and gasped through teeth and lips and tongues that couldn't seem to find the will to stop. Shepard let out a growl, twisting his body toward the older man and moving his hands under the hem of Kaidan's shirt, breaking their connection just long enough to dispose of the garment. Kaidan repaid him in kind, and they stood to begin a fitful move toward the nearest bedroom, which just happened to be Shepard's.

 

Discarded clothing marked the path they'd taken and when they reached the bed, Shepard shoved him down onto it, following him over quickly and diving back into his lips. Kaidan could do this forever. The disappointing and meaningless attempts he'd made at sex and relationships over the years had nothing on this. Kissing this man lit a fire in his soul that could never hope to be extinguished.

 

All of his doubt and hesitation were gone now, and he wanted to inform Shepard of the fact. It seemed he suffered deplorably from foot in mouth disease whenever he was around Shepard, though. In the end he decided his mouth could be put to better uses. He'd always heard actions spoke louder than words anyway. Shepard must be familiar with that saying as well, because just as Kaidan had the thought, John's fist curled around his erection, stroking with a firm grasp. His head fell back with a gasp, and Shepard latched onto his neck, sucking and biting a welt onto the smooth skin. If he'd thought about it, he could have used his biotics to turn the tables on the man; as it was, he struggled and squirmed, writhing in agonizing ecstasy until Shepard relented.

 

Kaidan used the break in the action to roll them over, worrying a matching mark onto Shepard's neck. “Christ, Kaidan,” he moaned. “Let me fuck you!” He thought about it for a brief second before grinning down at the Savior of the Galaxy and moving with purpose toward the man's aching erection. Shepard cried out and bowed violently off the bed when Kaidan's lips grazed the tip of his cock. His lips came away damp with the sticky, salty essence that Shepard produced. He licked it away, groaning in relief. Fuck, he tasted and smelled so damn good.

 

Fifteen years was such a long time, and Kaidan kind of wanted to make Shepard suffer for all the torment the man had put him through. He took his time, kissing and licking up and down the length of the man. Shepard's dick was gorgeous, long and thick and uncut, with a slight curve toward his belly button. He traced each vein, tongued the slit in the top and the groove around the head. Buried his face against the root and ran his open lips back up to the top again. One of Shepard's hands twisted desperately into the sheet, and the other tangled in Kaidan's salt and pepper hair. And when Kaidan finally let him slide into the silken heat of his mouth, Shepard shouted and bucked, body trembling with need.

 

“Fuck, Kaidan,” he choked out, and Kaidan was relentless. He'd wanted this for so long. Needed it for too damned long. Now that he had it, he had no intention of ever letting go again.

 

He played Shepard like a finely tuned instrument – tongue swirling, lips gliding over the surface of his dick, teeth barely dragging up the sensitive skin, just enough to keep Shepard on the edge. He dipped his head to take him in slowly, lips merely grazing the velvety skin, then hollowed his cheeks on the upstroke to throw Shepard off balance. Over and over again, Kaidan took him in changing tactics, alternating rhythms, dancing him close to the point of no return before easing off again.

 

“Oh, fuck, stop... Shit, K, please stop!” Shepard sank into the bed in relief when Kaidan finally relented, and while he was distracted with being proud of himself, John rolled them over again, laughing at his lover's startled expression. “Turn over,” Shepard rasped into his ear, and Kaidan obeyed, flipping onto his stomach.

 

He heard the drawer in the nightstand open and the click of the bottle of lube. “I'm going to fuck you senseless, Alenko,” Shepard ground out. “No more games. No more playing.”

 

An overload of lust prevented Kaidan from making an intelligent response, and Shepard laughed again just as his icy, wet fingers delved between Kaidan's buttocks. He clenched, and Shepard's rumbling voice sounded in his ear, deep and soothing, “Relax, Kaidan.” Lips brushed the shell of his ear, and goosebumps immediately sprang to life all over his body. Shepard's fingers inside his ass had Kaidan forgetting his own name. Still rough with callouses even after all these years behind a desk, the friction they created was divine, and Kaidan fidgeted around, desperate for more.

 

Shepard suddenly stopped and forced Kaidan onto his back, blue eyes searching brown. “I don’t want just a quick fuck,” he confessed.

 

Kaidan swallowed the lump in his throat. It was so easy to forget that Shepard had been hurting just as much as he had over the years. “I love you, John,” Kaidan reminded him gently, fingers brushing along Shepard’s cheekbone. “You couldn't get rid of me now if you tried.”

 

Their lips crashed together again, and the frenzied moans and movements of Shepard's body against his had Kaidan soaring. Shepard ground down, while Kaidan rocked up, their dicks trapped between them for long, blissful minutes as their mouths worked frantically in tandem.

 

“Shit, John, fuck me,” he gasped as Shepard broke and wandered away to lavish a nipple with attention. Shepard growled and bit lightly on the hard bud in his mouth, and Kaidan's hand held his head in place as the man shifted around to line himself up against Kaidan’s entrance.

 

It was torture of the purest form as Shepard slid slowly into him. Kaidan forced himself to breathe, surrendering to the euphoria of Shepard's cock inside him at last, hot breath wafting over his skin. “Damn, you feel better than I remembered,” John muttered, easing himself in and out a few times before withdrawing and shoving back in.

 

Kaidan cried out as their bodies writhed together, pushing and pulling, giving and taking. He was delirious with need, desperate for release, adamant that this last till the end of time. Sweat beaded on Shepard's forehead, and Kaidan gripped his face, ran his lips over the moisture, moaning at the taste of his lover. Shepard's face was a work of art, contorted in pleasure. His petal-soft lips hung open, begging to be kissed again and again. Fire burned in his sapphire eyes, and Kaidan felt the weight of his gaze in the very core of his being. Wrapping a hand around the back of his neck, he pulled Shepard to his lips. John's tongue flicked forward, and Kaidan captured it with his teeth momentarily. The deep groan he received in response spurred him on, and the connection went deeper, messy and wet and ravenous, both of them caving to the unrequited desire that had plagued them for so long.

 

Shepard fucked him hard, the unforgiving pace keeping Kaidan suspended in rapturous bliss. They grunted and moaned and cursed, bodies tense as they sped toward release. Shepard's hips began to roll, scraping his dick against Kaidan's prostate with every pass, and he felt the pull of his orgasm welling deep in the pit of his groin. Everything began to tighten – his muscles, his balls, his jaw, and Shepard grinned, “Getting close?”

 

“Yes, oh, fuck yes,” Kaidan moaned again. “Make me come, John, fuck, please.”

 

“Jerk yourself,” Shepard cooed into his ear. “I want to watch you come all over us both.”

 

No time was wasted as Kaidan took himself in hand and began jerking in time to Shepard's vicious thrusts. “Shep... ah, John... fuck...”

 

“Come Kaidan,” Shepard's voice was gravelly with lust, and Kaidan could tell his lover was close, too. The man he'd loved from the moment those stunningly blue eyes had first landed on him leaned close, hips stuttering, arms trembling, and whispered earnestly, “I love you, Kaidan. I've always loved you. It's always been you.”

 

They crested together, Kaidan spilling between both their stomachs, Shepard emptying into the depths of his lover's body. His arms flew around John, clutching as hard as he could, never willing to let go. “I love you, I love you, I love you,” he said it over and over again as they peppered each other with kisses, lips melding tenderly while they floated through the clouds of their high.

 

Shepard shifted out of him, rolling to the side and pulling Kaidan into his chest. Their breaths were heavy, bodies spent, and they just laid there, holding each other tightly, neither willing to let go. Sweat cooled on their skin, and Kaidan pressed his ear against John’s heartbeat, smiling as the racing slowed to a steadier pace. So much wasted time, so many missed chances. John’s fingers sifted through his dark hair, and Kaidan’s played against the stubble of Shepard’s jaw. Fifteen years and the man still wore that same old scruffy beard.

 

“We missed out on so much,” Kaidan said regretfully, tilting his head to see Shepard’s face.

 

“That's what you get for being so damned stubborn,” John retorted, but there was no bite to his words, only a lazy, happy smile that went on for days.

 

A puff of laughter hit Shepard squarely in the nose, and he laughed too, drawing his lover close enough to suffocate. Kaidan wiggled away to find something to clean them up with, and finding nothing, settled for the corner of the sheet. Shepard rolled his eyes and chuckled. “Guess I'll be doing laundry tomorrow,” he muttered wryly.

 

“You can do the laundry; I'll cook the breakfast.”

 

“Planning on hanging around?”

 

“Forever, if you'll have me.”

 

“I like that,” Shepard said, pressing his lips into his lover's damp hair. “I like that a lot. I feel like we should take it slow, though. One day at a time.”

 

Kaidan murmured his agreement, settling himself into John’s arms. Shepard's breathing had already started to even out, and Kaidan could tell he was dangling on the edge of sleep. “John?”

 

“Hm?”

 

Kaidan smiled at his sleepy tone, kissing him on the chin because he could. A grin curled John's lips, but he kept his eyes closed, fingers swirling languidly over smooth skin. “How are we going to get out of here?”

 

“You want to go somewhere?” John asked, too far gone to grasp Kaidan's meaning. “Maybe after a nap.”

 

“Well, I do feel like you owe me a few dates. They're long overdue.” They both chuckled. “But I meant, what are we going to do about Garrus and Wrex?”

 

Shepard huffed and pulled up his omni-tool, then leaned in for another deliberate kiss. Kaidan heard the click of the machine's camera, then watched in mixed amusement and embarrassment as John tapped out a message to both their friends and attached the picture. Dual pings alerted them to immediate responses, but they ignored them, finding each other's lips much more interesting.

 

The photograph eventually made its way into a frame on their nightstand.

 

**

 

**One Year Later**

 

The sky was painted brilliantly in pinks and gold and purples, the last rays of the sun sparkling on the water like diamonds. Kaidan turned his face into the salt-laced wind that blew off the ocean, but it was the strong arms around his waist, those lips, softer than the breeze blowing through their hair and sweeter than honeysuckles, pressing against his neck that commanded all his attention.

 

“It's beautiful,” Shepard murmured, chin resting on his husband's shoulder, fingers toying with the newly applied wedding band on Kaidan's hand.

 

“Mmm,” Kaidan agreed, letting himself relax into welcoming arms. This was heaven, and he wasn't sure how they'd gotten here. For more than a decade, they'd run circles around each other, but once they finally gave in to their feelings for one another, everything had simply clicked into place naturally.

 

During his speech at their wedding, Garrus had taken all the credit for knocking Kaidan out and locking the “two numbskulls” in Shepard's apartment until they worked things out. The turian had even gone so far as to display the photo Shepard had sent of the pair of them curled around each other in bed, kissing furiously – much to both their mother's embarrassment. Kaidan had buried his face in his hands, but John had laughed and pulled his husband into a kiss that dissolved into huge smiles and tiny Eskimo kisses. That had earned them 'oohs' and 'aahs' from their guests.

 

Now here they stood on a secluded beach in the Caribbean, still basking in that newlywed glow, and Kaidan repeated his earlier thought out loud. “This is heaven.”

 

“Only because you're here.”

 

“It's because we're here together.”

 

“Finally we agree on something,” Shepard teased, nipping the man's ear.

 

“Well, there's a first time for everything, they say.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to the incredible HeavenOnFire for the beautiful [artwork](http://gratuacuun.tumblr.com/post/164081267375/art-for-second-chances-by-ellebeedarling-for-mass). She was an absolute joy to work with! 
> 
> Thanks to my fantastic beta [sparkly_butthole](http://mshenkoaddiction.tumblr.com)!! 
> 
> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> Find me on tumblr:[ellebeedarling](http://ellebeedarling.tumblr.com)
> 
> Much love,  
> Elle


End file.
